Is this still Dawn?

Yesterday evening I got a text from a number which I didn't recognise. It was a Singapore mobile number.

It read: "Hi is this still Dawn?"

I had absolutely no idea who it was, so I msgd back "Yes it is. Who r u?"

And the reply came:

"This is someone from a long time ago. I'm not sure if i can use the word, but we used to be good friends once upon a time. This is someone who never really forgot u (or ur phone number!) and someone who is still sorry he hurt you and never had the guts to face you after. In the years that have passed i dunno how many people have hurt u but if we have any remnants of a connection then you will know who this is."

GOSH. Heavy stuff. I thought it sounded like the start of a short film. I still hadn't a clue who this person was! So I replied that I had no idea and I was leaving Singapore in 2 weeks anyway.

He replied, "Hmmm...just in the nick of time to say a proper goodbye... :) We love music and travelling. We also love Paulo Coelho and Nick Bantock...and i am going for mass soon. Surely that must be enough?"

It was him.

The person who all those years ago ripped my heart out and flushed it down the toilet, bit by bit over a long period of time. And I was the dumb-ass monkey who was in love with him while my relationship with Ian was drawing it's dying breaths.

If my memory serves me well, the essence of my last communication with him was essentially along the lines of "****off and die and don't even try to talk to me again. Ever."

So why him? Why now? WTF!??!? I replied saying I knew who he was, and asked him if he had just read Paulo's new book, The Witch of Portobello, which I just finished reading. I wondered if this was the catalyst that made him get in touch. We both loved and were inspired by Paulo Coelho's work, and often discussed his ideas at length.

He replied,"Nope I didn't read it Dawn. You and your number just flashed across my mind while on my way home. I dunno why the compulsion to contact you was stronger than ever today."

I didn't know what to feel. My heart was beating fast, but I felt no anger, no hate, no sadness, no joy. Just numbness, and maybe nostalgia. I wondered why. This was someone with whom I once had a very close, intense relationship. Yet now, when he pops up out of nowhere, all I felt was numb. Like having 36 flavours of ice-cream placed in front of you, but you just stare, not even wanting to lift the spoon or take a lick.

In the next few SMSes he asked me how I was, what I've been doing etc and I told him about work, how I found my Personal Legend (a concept which Paulo Coelho wrote about, and something he and I always said we'd fulfil) in writing, that I got married and am moving to Turkey.

For some strange reason, I didn't ask him about his life. I didn't feel the need to, although I was curious.

So what next? Do I even want a next? Our messaging ended at: "Be well Dawn. And I'm sorry it took so long for me to touch base."

Paulo Coelho often writes that he doesn't believe in coincidences. He believes that things all happen as part of our journey to help us fulfil our Personal Legend. Signs along the way.

In the car with JF later, we were driving home and I was telling him about what happened. I turned the radio on and a Kenny Loggins song was playing. What are the chances of that? Kenny Loggins songs are not exactly on heavy rotation these days. I was a bit spooked. "He" hero-worshipped Kenny Loggins and we used to listen to his music together all the time.

They say time heals all wounds. I say it brings with it indifference and questions all at once.