I fall over just by walking around in my house. No kidding.
Usually twisting or scraping some essential body part or another in the process. And unfortunately, it happens more often than I'd like it to.
My mum says it's all thanks to my genes...specifically, my paternal grandmother, Mama Mary, whom it seems, was a major klutz too, always accidentally injuring herself. Like me.
When I was a toddler, my pediatrician said it was because my head was too big for my body...hence I toppled over pretty often.
So armed with my outrageous lack of balance, I hit the (baby) slopes strapped into dodgy rental skis as tall as me. (Why the hell do skis need to be SO LONG!?!?)
Here's what happens when a suaku goes skiing:
30 seconds in, she falls.
She tries to get up, but discovers she can't!!!! "Arggh those 4-year olds are whizzing by! Why can't I stand up?"
So she uses her poles to try to stand up, but instead, unintentionally does an Elvis-on-stage-finale impression. "Thank you, thank you very much."
10 minutes later, she's still on the cold, wet ground. "Sod it. I'll just sit here and try to look cool in my stupid beanie and nice Chanel lunettes. Keep smiling, keep smiling, no one will notice."
20 minutes later she starts to worry. "What if there's a blizzard? Oh no! I'm wearing white! I'll blend into the snow! No one will find me!!" So in a mighty panic, she miraculously gets off the ground.
And off she goes! Whoohoo! (Nevermind that she lost her silly beanie)
Steady....steady....
......and WHOOOOMPH! "Sigh I think I'll just sit here and eat some snow."
In the meantime, while the snow suaku is languishing on the baby slope, her husband, who HAS NOT SKIIED IN 20 YEARS (!!!) is expertly whoosing down the green, blue, red AND Black Diamond slopes with his mates!!!! How is that even possible?! Is it because he's European? (They all seem to ski like pros!) Has longer legs? Has less hair? It must be like learning to ride a bike....you never forget.
Or maybe a wee dram of the ole Scotch gave him Dutch courage to hurtle down the side of a very steep mountain. "Regarde, c'est pas difficile non? Allez, sante mon ami!"
Of course, boys will be boys.
Vincent: What did U say?! My banana yellow ski boots are girly?
JF: Oww! Oww! Oww!
In between slope-conquering, Les Experts stop for a photo op. "Look at us...we're cool!"
At the end of a very cold day, they head back to rescue the snow suaku (whose derriere was by then frostbitten, but alas, not any smaller) and they piled into a cosy log cabin, knocked back hot chocolate and borek and enjoyed the spectacular view of Kartalkaya. Ahhhhhh.....
The End.
