Ever had a moment when someone expresses EXACTLY what you feel?
It’s difficult to turn back into a rainbow when you’re bathing in ink. - Maarten
Fatigue: inflicting pain on the body so that the mind will be tricked that it is not hurting. - Hansel
Love you both.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Broken teacups
Random thought of the day:
How to save a marriage. Have a fling with the young Richard Gere lookalike who's there sipping his latte, waiting for you.
------------------------
A decade ago, I learnt to be cruel. In a way I never thought I could be.
Looking back, it was a catharsis that I needed.
My soul's run out of batteries.
Pain keeps the shell shuffling along.
How far can I go, running on empty?
Self...please take over and SAVE ME.
When you break a teacup, if you're careful and keep all the pieces, you can glue it back together again.
But no matter how well you do it, or how much superglue you use, you can still see the cracks.
How to save a marriage. Have a fling with the young Richard Gere lookalike who's there sipping his latte, waiting for you.
------------------------
A decade ago, I learnt to be cruel. In a way I never thought I could be.
Looking back, it was a catharsis that I needed.
My soul's run out of batteries.
Pain keeps the shell shuffling along.
How far can I go, running on empty?
Self...please take over and SAVE ME.
When you break a teacup, if you're careful and keep all the pieces, you can glue it back together again.
But no matter how well you do it, or how much superglue you use, you can still see the cracks.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Humanity
There's something so morbid, humiliating, depressing and so surreal about having to wrap up your own placenta in a plastic cup, cling film and foil.
U feel as though it's a scene right out of a William Burroughs novel.
A flash of a crack whore's nightmare. Almost gory-ly funny in that twisted Tarantino-esque way.
Then you suddenly realise that it's happening to YOU right now in real time. That's a bloody chunk of your own human flesh that you are wrapping up in the middle of your kitchen in the dead of night.
There's nothing worse...except the moment U gawk in horror at the blood covered mass that just came out of you.
Bloody, veiny, spongy......damn it looks like chicken liver. What the fuck is it?!
You call your doctor in a panic. He tells you to bag it for him to examine the next morning.
No matter how many seasons of CSI you've watched, nothing quite prepares you for bagging your own flesh.
Miscarriage. What a fucking stupid euphemism, makes it sound like you took the wrong train.
Everyone tells U it's normal, it's common. It's Nature's way, it's in God's plan.
WELL FUCK THAT.
So what if it happened to a thousand other people?
It's my loss and my pain and it's all new to me.
So DON'T FUCKING TELL ME IT'S NORMAL.
Some days I'm so angry. I want to destroy everything, kill everyone, beat the shit out of people who make me so miserable.
Other days I'm just so tired of fighting. Don't want to try anymore. Just want to fade into the cool darkness of night, stay there, hibernate, hide.
Anxiety lies where peace should prevail.
U feel as though it's a scene right out of a William Burroughs novel.
A flash of a crack whore's nightmare. Almost gory-ly funny in that twisted Tarantino-esque way.
Then you suddenly realise that it's happening to YOU right now in real time. That's a bloody chunk of your own human flesh that you are wrapping up in the middle of your kitchen in the dead of night.
There's nothing worse...except the moment U gawk in horror at the blood covered mass that just came out of you.
Bloody, veiny, spongy......damn it looks like chicken liver. What the fuck is it?!
You call your doctor in a panic. He tells you to bag it for him to examine the next morning.
No matter how many seasons of CSI you've watched, nothing quite prepares you for bagging your own flesh.
Miscarriage. What a fucking stupid euphemism, makes it sound like you took the wrong train.
Everyone tells U it's normal, it's common. It's Nature's way, it's in God's plan.
WELL FUCK THAT.
So what if it happened to a thousand other people?
It's my loss and my pain and it's all new to me.
So DON'T FUCKING TELL ME IT'S NORMAL.
Some days I'm so angry. I want to destroy everything, kill everyone, beat the shit out of people who make me so miserable.
Other days I'm just so tired of fighting. Don't want to try anymore. Just want to fade into the cool darkness of night, stay there, hibernate, hide.
Anxiety lies where peace should prevail.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Requiem
On my birthday two days ago, I lost my baby.
It was 8 weeks old.
I had some slight bleeding on Monday, so on Tuesday on my birthday I went to the Gynae.
He could not find a heartbeat.
Yesterday we checked again, and he confirmed our baby is dead.
JF and I are devastated.
Everything has been incredibly difficult since we came to this country.
And now this.......I feel like someone just punched me in the face.
Don't know what to do. Tomorrow I will have an operation under GA to remove the baby.
I'm scared.
To quote Hansel, my dear friend from his blog...."There is still the daylight to overcome."
It was 8 weeks old.
I had some slight bleeding on Monday, so on Tuesday on my birthday I went to the Gynae.
He could not find a heartbeat.
Yesterday we checked again, and he confirmed our baby is dead.
JF and I are devastated.
Everything has been incredibly difficult since we came to this country.
And now this.......I feel like someone just punched me in the face.
Don't know what to do. Tomorrow I will have an operation under GA to remove the baby.
I'm scared.
To quote Hansel, my dear friend from his blog...."There is still the daylight to overcome."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
3rd day of the 8th moon
Spoke to Mummy yesterday and she said its my Chinese birthday today, 3rd day of the 8th moon.
Felt so sad that I'm not home in Singapore, cos my parents esp my Dad always makes my birthday so special.
He cooks his famous chilli crab for me :) I'll really miss my family on the 18th.
Well the movers FINALLY came yesterday and all our stuff has arrived although some things were broken or missing. We haven't turned on the electronic equipment yet, so let's hope n pray for the best.
But the most UNBELIEVABLE thing of all was that the truck driver CRACKED the compound wall!!
INCREDIBLY F****** STOOOOOOPID! He backed his truck INTO the wall and cracked it!
The compound manager came over and made huge fuss.
Well if they are going to make us pay for it we'll definitely sue the movers!!!
HOW F******* stupid can they get.
Oh wait but then we are in Turkey....and I've been told by more than one person that this is typical Turkish behaviour.
Not thinking, irresponsible, quite often stupid.
When can I leave when can I leave when can I leave?!?!!??!!??!?!?!??
Hope to escape to London to see JF's brother's family next month.
Every opportunity I can get I want to be outta here!!
Felt so sad that I'm not home in Singapore, cos my parents esp my Dad always makes my birthday so special.
He cooks his famous chilli crab for me :) I'll really miss my family on the 18th.
Well the movers FINALLY came yesterday and all our stuff has arrived although some things were broken or missing. We haven't turned on the electronic equipment yet, so let's hope n pray for the best.
But the most UNBELIEVABLE thing of all was that the truck driver CRACKED the compound wall!!
INCREDIBLY F****** STOOOOOOPID! He backed his truck INTO the wall and cracked it!
The compound manager came over and made huge fuss.
Well if they are going to make us pay for it we'll definitely sue the movers!!!
HOW F******* stupid can they get.
Oh wait but then we are in Turkey....and I've been told by more than one person that this is typical Turkish behaviour.
Not thinking, irresponsible, quite often stupid.
When can I leave when can I leave when can I leave?!?!!??!!??!?!?!??
Hope to escape to London to see JF's brother's family next month.
Every opportunity I can get I want to be outta here!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The Incredible No Show
It is now 5.30pm.
We were SUPPOSED to move today. Guess what? They didn't show AGAIN!
Big surprise there. Good ole Turkish reliability for you.
We waited the whole damn day.
At 4pm they called to say they have "loaded the truck but customs won't let big trucks on the roads between 4-6pm"
So they can't come.
They MUST HAVE KNOWN this beforehand seeing that this is not their first moving job!
WTF!????????????????????????????????????
Someone please give me a loaded gun for my birthday.
We were SUPPOSED to move today. Guess what? They didn't show AGAIN!
Big surprise there. Good ole Turkish reliability for you.
We waited the whole damn day.
At 4pm they called to say they have "loaded the truck but customs won't let big trucks on the roads between 4-6pm"
So they can't come.
They MUST HAVE KNOWN this beforehand seeing that this is not their first moving job!
WTF!????????????????????????????????????
Someone please give me a loaded gun for my birthday.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Get a MOVE ON aptals!!
Ok so now they tell us they can move our container into our new place tomorrow....fingers crossed.
Judging by the way things have been going, I hope they:
1. Show up
2. Don 't break anything
3. Actually UNPACK our furniture liked they are SUPPOSED to and not dump it in the flat.
(One of JF's colleagues who also moved here from Singapore got his PCs...all not working. Another had stuff broken.)
Got lights installed......workmen did a pretty lousy job and left gaping holes in the ceiling.
One of the lights is falling away from the ceiling leaving a bigger and bigger gap each passing day.
Just wonder when it will come crashing down.
Have called them to come today to re-fix, but guess what? NEVER SHOWED UP.
What's more my Mac monitor has suddenly decided to kaput on me.
I SWEAR THE SWAY-NESS OF THE COUNTRY is UNBELIEVABLE (as I told Dawn...who incidentally just entered Blogsphere :) Hooray! Her blog is linked on the sidebar.)
Nothing but sway crap has happened since we got to this country.
Maybe it's aura/energy is 100% incompatible with mine.
Lets see what the pendejos come up with tomorrow.
Judging by the way things have been going, I hope they:
1. Show up
2. Don 't break anything
3. Actually UNPACK our furniture liked they are SUPPOSED to and not dump it in the flat.
(One of JF's colleagues who also moved here from Singapore got his PCs...all not working. Another had stuff broken.)
Got lights installed......workmen did a pretty lousy job and left gaping holes in the ceiling.
One of the lights is falling away from the ceiling leaving a bigger and bigger gap each passing day.
Just wonder when it will come crashing down.
Have called them to come today to re-fix, but guess what? NEVER SHOWED UP.
What's more my Mac monitor has suddenly decided to kaput on me.
I SWEAR THE SWAY-NESS OF THE COUNTRY is UNBELIEVABLE (as I told Dawn...who incidentally just entered Blogsphere :) Hooray! Her blog is linked on the sidebar.)
Nothing but sway crap has happened since we got to this country.
Maybe it's aura/energy is 100% incompatible with mine.
Lets see what the pendejos come up with tomorrow.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Our baby has a heart!! And we're still homeless
Saw our baby's heart for the 1st time yesterday and was very excited! So cute. Yes baby is still a bean for now. And yes we are still homeless after 62 days in this wretched country.
Sorry everyone for the long hiatus. No this blog is not dead and gone....just temporarily interrupted due to our many moving problems (2 months on we are STILL HOMELESS and have changed hotel for the 5th TIME thanks to they very reliable Turkish efficiency....yes U can count on them NOT TO SHOW UP or GET THINGS DONE even when U PAY THEM or book ahead) and the ridiculously slow & unreliable Internet connections in this 3rd World country. YES, after living here for 2 months I really do believe Turkey is a 3rd World country NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
The mentality, actions and behaviour of the people are 3rd world. I have come to see why (but STILL DO NOT ACCEPT) why they are out to cheat us, scam us all the time just to make money. Why they don't give a damn about service, don't bother to do things, just make empty promises to get your money first. They don't care because they are desperate. They want to take U for all you've got to escape their own dire situation.
Most Turks and even some foreigners kid themselves into thinking that this country may be 1st or even 2nd world, but they must be blind or have their eyes closed when they walk on the streets.
Just stroll outside the main tourist and business areas of Istanbul and U will clearly see how people live in such squalor. Even 5 star hotels in the tourist part of town suffer from water and electricity cuts from time to time which they have no control over. Go outside the city and you'll see how shockingly undeveloped the rest of the country is. Definitely 3rd World.
How they can even dare to say they are European or want to join the EU.....beyond my comprehension.
I spoke to a German lady livıng here and she had this to say:
As with big cities in 3rd World countries, Istanbul is full of people that have no roots any more. People from all over the country move to the metropolis to try to escape the poverty and their bad situation elsewhere. So they trample on each other and everyone else to get to the top of the heap. This makes people act strange and do things that seem to be rude, unpolite,uncivilised. They are desperate and they have nothing to lose. Many are not intelligent enough or simply don't have the resources to change their situation. It is hard for me to accept the strangeness of people and the terrible things they do. Civilisation here is a very thin skin. The slightest thing happens, and the skin tears.
Hearing her say that to me was like an illumination. Suddenly it all became so clear why all these bad things are happening to us here, why they people are the way they are. They are a pack of wolves among other wolves and we're the fresh meat. So they scramble to get every scrap they can. What's more some do it under the cloak of religion and those are the WORST of all. Religion should never be used as an excuse for personal inadequacy.
Well I'll be damned if I'm not going to fight it all the way!!!
I recently read this quote....interesting and food for thought:
To criticize a person for their race is manifestly irrational but to criticize their religion, that is a right. That is a freedom. The freedom to criticize ideas, any ideas - even if they are sincerely held beliefs - is one of the fundamental freedoms of society. A law which attempts to say you can criticize and ridicule ideas as long as they are not religious ideas is a very peculiar law indeed.
-Rowan Atkinson
Sorry everyone for the long hiatus. No this blog is not dead and gone....just temporarily interrupted due to our many moving problems (2 months on we are STILL HOMELESS and have changed hotel for the 5th TIME thanks to they very reliable Turkish efficiency....yes U can count on them NOT TO SHOW UP or GET THINGS DONE even when U PAY THEM or book ahead) and the ridiculously slow & unreliable Internet connections in this 3rd World country. YES, after living here for 2 months I really do believe Turkey is a 3rd World country NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
The mentality, actions and behaviour of the people are 3rd world. I have come to see why (but STILL DO NOT ACCEPT) why they are out to cheat us, scam us all the time just to make money. Why they don't give a damn about service, don't bother to do things, just make empty promises to get your money first. They don't care because they are desperate. They want to take U for all you've got to escape their own dire situation.
Most Turks and even some foreigners kid themselves into thinking that this country may be 1st or even 2nd world, but they must be blind or have their eyes closed when they walk on the streets.
Just stroll outside the main tourist and business areas of Istanbul and U will clearly see how people live in such squalor. Even 5 star hotels in the tourist part of town suffer from water and electricity cuts from time to time which they have no control over. Go outside the city and you'll see how shockingly undeveloped the rest of the country is. Definitely 3rd World.
How they can even dare to say they are European or want to join the EU.....beyond my comprehension.
I spoke to a German lady livıng here and she had this to say:
As with big cities in 3rd World countries, Istanbul is full of people that have no roots any more. People from all over the country move to the metropolis to try to escape the poverty and their bad situation elsewhere. So they trample on each other and everyone else to get to the top of the heap. This makes people act strange and do things that seem to be rude, unpolite,uncivilised. They are desperate and they have nothing to lose. Many are not intelligent enough or simply don't have the resources to change their situation. It is hard for me to accept the strangeness of people and the terrible things they do. Civilisation here is a very thin skin. The slightest thing happens, and the skin tears.
Hearing her say that to me was like an illumination. Suddenly it all became so clear why all these bad things are happening to us here, why they people are the way they are. They are a pack of wolves among other wolves and we're the fresh meat. So they scramble to get every scrap they can. What's more some do it under the cloak of religion and those are the WORST of all. Religion should never be used as an excuse for personal inadequacy.
Well I'll be damned if I'm not going to fight it all the way!!!
I recently read this quote....interesting and food for thought:
To criticize a person for their race is manifestly irrational but to criticize their religion, that is a right. That is a freedom. The freedom to criticize ideas, any ideas - even if they are sincerely held beliefs - is one of the fundamental freedoms of society. A law which attempts to say you can criticize and ridicule ideas as long as they are not religious ideas is a very peculiar law indeed.
-Rowan Atkinson
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)